charlotte hinksman

Part 1: How much are YOU really worth?

It is a tough question to answer, isn’t it? I wonder how you would go about answering it, and where the answer really lies - i.e. who decides?

People don’t choose their careers accidentally. I became a coach because I struggled in my own life. I started learning how to overcome my own barriers to finally achieve what I wanted to achieve, did my professional training and changed my life. I knew that if I could do this, others could too, and I had the experience and the professional skills to teach them how.

The most significant work I have done on myself over the years and will continue to do is the relationship I have with the most important person in the world: ME.

I know, I know, it’s a cliché isn’t it? “The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself..” blah blah blah – yes, we’ve all heard it, we’ve seen it used in advertising and soap operas and movies, we’ve all said it at some point. So, how true actually is it, and what, if anything, do we need to be doing about it?

In order to answer these important questions, I would like you to do something, if you would. I’d like you to consider the following words:

· Opinion

· Judgement

· Approval

· Acceptance

· Like

· Caring

· Love

· Perceived value

OK. Now, I want you to read them again, and repeat them to yourself in your head.

OK, got that. Now, read them again and repeat them in your head (there is a point to this, I promise....)

Ok, now we have oiled those neural circuits in your brain. Now, the next thing I would like you to do, is read the following question. Just relax, think about it once you’ve read it with your eyes closed, and be open to what comes in to your mind (there are no right or wrong answers):

How much time have you spent today thinking about one or more of these things?

Perhaps that is easy to answer, perhaps not. Don’t worry if it is not immediately easy. Just reflect on your day and consider it.

Now, consider the next question:

How much time today have you spent today thinking about these things in relation to another person (i.e. YOUR opinion or approval or love for THEM)?

Again, that may be immediately obvious for some of you, and for others you may have to close your eyes and spend a little bit of time remembering your day, the things that happened, how you felt, what you were thinking about and so on.

Now consider the next question:

How much time have you spent today thinking about these things in relation to another person (i.e. THEIR opinion or judgement or caring of YOU)?

Again, may be easy and obvious for some of you, and for others you may need a bit more time to do some active remembering and exploring.

Now consider the next question:

How much time have you spent trying to make a decision today? (if you have some big decisions to make, this will be easy to remember. If not, think about your decision about what to wear, what to buy for lunch, what to do tonight etc.)

And then:

How much influence did your consideration of other people have on making that decision?

OK. Now, let’s pause here.

Some of you may have uncovered some interesting information about your own thought processes. Some of you may be thinking “what the hell is she on about?”. Some of you may have not uncovered anything you didn’t already know. Some of you may have realised something I am not aware of yet!

And all of that is OK.

IF – through that little process – you are realising “wow, I spend a lot of time focussing on other people and what they might think!” then it would be useful for you to read on.

Let’s put it this way: as a species on this planet, we are born social. Babies who do not have interaction with other human beings when they are born do not develop well psychologically, physically or socially – they develop serious problems. Without that interaction and connection with other human beings, we simply don’t survive. We have mirror neurons in our brain that make us want to be like those around us. Babies smile and laugh when we smile and laugh to them, not because they find it funny, but because of these mirror neurons. Because of this, we are ALWAYS going to have a natural consideration of others and where we fit in with others around us.

To what degree is this useful and to what degree does it become imbalanced - making this awareness of others to our detriment?

It comes down to our own sense of self: our self-esteem, self-worth, self-perception, self-image, self-identity. This is about who we actually are: how we look physically, what we are about, what we stand for, what our values and beliefs are, our history, our current lives, our goals and aspirations, our friends, our families, our financial status, our choices; how we spend our time, what we eat and drink. And then, how we fundamentally and actually FEEL about who we are. This is our relationship to ourselves. How we feel about who we are and how we live. And how we feel about that determines our own sense of self and therefore how others relate to us.

The imbalance occurs when our own sense of self relies too heavily on OTHER’S:

· Opinion

· Judgement

· Approval

· Acceptance

· Like

· Caring

· Love

· Perceived value

......of US.

We start to rely too heavily on this because of a lack of our own sense of self. This can be due to simply not knowing ourselves very well (lack of experience, lack of awareness, young in age) or, a lack of a favourable sense of self; we don’t actually like who we are and how we live. We have a low opinion or ourselves, judge ourselves harshly, don’t approve of ourselves, beat ourselves up, don’t value our own skills, treat ourselves badly with non-caring behaviours.

Therefore we seek the acceptance and love and value from others, so that WE can feel a little better about ourselves. “If they can approve of me, then I can approve of me” kind of mentality. It’s not conscious by the way, it’s not like you do it on purpose – in fact it’s largely your unconscious mind doing it for you so you can feel better.

Sounds kind of logical and sensible really doesn’t it?!

Except that it doesn’t really work so well. Not in the long term anyway.

Putting our sense of self in the hands of others like this is high risk. Because:

1) Why should we expect someone else to love and approve of us if we don’t love and approve of us? I wouldn’t sell a car if I didn’t believe in it – would you?

2) What happens when someone doesn’t like you or approve of you? You fall to pieces with no substance of your own to fall back on. This makes your self-esteem very delicate and is like a “they don’t like me so I can’t like me” kind of mentality.

3) Decision making is a struggle. Making your decisions based on what others may approve of makes it very difficult for you. You can get paralysed for fear of getting it wrong and angst over small things for hours or avoid making big decisions and stay stuck where you are.

4) You run the risk of behaving only in ways you think will “please people”. You become a people-pleaser. If this is motivating your actions you are likely to be ignoring your real needs and will burn out.

5) We feel like we need to “prove” ourselves to others to get their seal of approval. We can work too hard for this and the motivation is wrong. We may also, never get it, which means all that hard work for no reward.

6) The big flaw in your mind’s plan to “self-worth through others” is this: how are you going to know whether people are pleased with you, or whether they have a favourable opinion of you? The only way you’ll know is by actually asking them, and mostly, unless we are in a situation where we are receiving structured feedback (i.e. a performance review) we won’t ask and we won’t know. Their opinion of you therefore remains an imagined one that you make up in your head. And how reliable is that? Not reliable enough to base your whole self-esteem on, that’s for sure!

The most important steps in personal-development are: become the person you really are, decide to keep developing yourself – always, then decide that that’s good enough for YOU. Real self-worth is about deciding “I am who I am, imperfections and all, and I love and approve of myself” regardless of what others may or may not think.

The balance lies in considering and maintaining:

How can I be considerate and respectful of other’s needs, act with good intentions towards others AND be considerate and respectful of my own self: my needs, wants, desires, comforts and who I really am?

There are no easy and hard and fast answers and rules. However, consider that every day and see what changes for you.

Coming up: Part 2: How to develop your own sense of self in a useful and sustainable way.

With love and positive thoughts as always,

Charlotte.

www.charlottehinksman.com for coaching and therapy services in Wellington.

# posted by Charlotte Hinksman @ 10:13 PM