Friday, July 29, 2011
Migration of Blog to new website
This blogging platform served me well for many years. It has now all been migrated over to my new website platform. Please go to www.charlottehinksman.com for the current blog. Thank you! Charlotte.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Judge or Accept?
There are many things that can occur in our lives. Some of those things feel amazingly good and we feel happy because of them. Some of those things feel horrible. One of the key things I have learnt by existing on this planet in the form of Charlotte Hinksman, regular human-being, and Charlotte Hinksman, life coach assisting others, is that S*%t happens in life. It doesn't matter who you are, how much self-development you have invested in, how much money you have in the bank, whether you are blissfully happy on a daily basis or otherwise - life will still, and always be, Life. Things outside of us change, life events will happen that we simply can't control - some will be great, and some will not.
There are, of course, many things within our control and many things which, by the direction of our minds and using tools, strategies and guidance, we make happen, we create the things we want in our lives and make decisions that get us the balance in life that we find personally fulfilling, based on what is important to us. Some people pull this off to the upmost degree (i.e. Anthony Robbins) and some people need more support and guidance to be the master and creator of their own life. Either way, we can all do it, which is a really amazing thing to know and hold close.
And, even so, stuff will still happen that is not pleasant or pleasing to us. There will be people that come into our lives that cause us a problem, people that leave our lives and cause us a problem, our work environment might change without first discussing it with us - how dare it - and natural disasters happen, people and animals die. As Eckhart Tolle refers to it - our Life Situation - which is always changeable and changing.
I find this subject really interesting personally, working in a role where I help others solve their Life Situation problems. I used to really struggle at the beginning of my career believing I had to be absolutely "perfect" myself before I could do good work with my clients: I had to be modelling the perfect lifestyle - be in balance all the time, have everything I wanted, never have a problem or a challenge....and my goodness, has that been a learning curve for me! Now that I have given up that old belief my life is much easier, and I know what it is that creates a good model for clients and for people in general - the modelling of imperfection (given that perfection is an absolute fallacy) coupled equally with the ability to bounce back from the various Life Situation challenges and get back into balance as quickly as possible.
This is what people need to learn and accept: you, and life, are not perfect and never will be. Things will go smoothly, and, hopefully, will go smoothly most of the time. And still, you will never be immune to Life's challenges. A lot of people trip themselves up by believing nothing "bad" could ever happen to them, and then, when it does, there are no coping skills with which to deal with the situation that has presented itself.
With Martin Seligman's research collation and analysis on depression and happiness over the last 10+ years, we now know that your inner response and coping strategies are key components of the structure of depression. People that are good / better at feeling happy in their lives are not living differently to those that are better at feeling depressed in their lives: they still experience what we may call "stressful" life events. The difference with people better at consistent happiness is the way that they internally RESPOND to these life events - their thinking style and their coping strategies are what makes the significant difference.
I could write a whole book on Seligman's conclusions - however, this article has a different focus. I want to talk about two things that are part of our "coping with our Life Situation strategy" - one of which highly damaging and ineffective, and one of which is fundamentally useful. I want to talk about them so you can recognise what you are doing within yourself, and hopefully then make a choice about doing more of the useful one.
1. Judgment.
Anyone who has ever worked with me in my office will know that this is one of my key subjects - and it would be rare for me to not be pointing this out to a client. We all go and see people, professionals like myself, because for whatever reason, at that point in time, we are struggling with something in our lives. This means that there are some unhelpful patterns inside of us that need to be noticed and addressed. One of the main players is self-judgment. It is something I have struggled to let go of in my own life, and am really getting better every day, and noticing the difference this makes. I know where I picked my judgment up from - it has been a strong one for me as it got ingrained really early in childhood.
When things go wrong, we can judge others and judge ourselves, or just judge the situation itself. We say it SHOULD be like this, or it SHOULD NOT be like this, or I SHOULD HAVE known better. The essence of this should word automatically creates conflict - the nature of the word itself is that the status quo is what it is is, and that that is fundamentally not OK. Something else SHOULD be.
We also have a fear of the judgment of others. Now this is one is really interesting - and again, a key player in those unhelpful patterns. A lot of us don't get taught how to feel good about ourselves when we are growing up at home and at school. We don't get the chance to develop a sense of self that is not reliant on other people and our perception of other people's perceptions of us. We therefore grow up with our self-esteem becoming, what I refer to as, other-esteem.
Our sense of self and whether or not we are OK, acceptable, is so often in the hands of others. Will they approve? Will they disapprove? What will they think? What if they think this or that? Maybe they think it is my fault? Maybe they think I am not cool enough? I could go on, but I will refrain from telling you something you are likely already familiar with! They key dynamic is that what someone else may or may not think means something damaging about YOU - it rocks and sways your very own sense of self.
What happens, with such a fragile sense of ourselves, is that the chance of someone not approving or not accepting us because our of our Life Situation is a very real threat, your brain sees it as a threat to its very survival. Why? A lot of my clients when they have identified this problem within themselves, will often say in response to me asking "what do you want to do instead?" - "I want to not care what others think". It is tempting to want this! However, I don't believe that completely not caring is dooable. We are a species that need bonds with other members of our species to survive, there is no getting around this. Health psychology research has shown this again and again over years of research. Some animal species do not need this, we do. So, it wouldn't make sense to our inbuilt survival mechanism to just not care at all. If everyone on the planet rejected us, we wouldn't survive.
It IS possible to care differently however, and place significantly less emphasis on the illusion of our perception of what others may or may not think about us, and to have a sense of self much more solid and reliant on something much more reliable.
Remember: when you judge yourself or the situation you find yourself in, you automatically create an inner conflict which doesn't need to be there. You never truly know what other people think. Every time you think you do, you are making it up, imagining it - unless you ask, it will always be based on this illusion you create inside your head.
Practice: Noticing those judgments in your head. Particularly the SHOULD word. Awareness creates change.
Instead: Start paying attention to the situations that present themselves in your life and use them for a perfect opportunity - what can YOU LEARN from them? Are they in your control (i.e. something you did or didn't do influenced them) or out of your control? If they were influenced by you, then AWESOME - you can begin to do something about it. You probably want a different outcome next time, don't you? Then start noticing, without judgment, what happened and what your part was. And ask yourself: What did I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? You will always find something useful with this kind of structured reflection and feedback.
2. Acceptance
This is another one of my key areas, probably because it something I have struggled with in my own life, and something I am getting better at. It is a very spiritual concept - accept what is. Just accept it. This is hard for us when what is, is so unpleasant or causes us so many problems in our Life Situation.
It is OK that it is hard, we can accept that, that is part of the acceptance. When something is hard, it means that you are learning, which is the aim, and therefore great.
We create so much resistance to our lives and ourselves. We shouldn't be crying. We shouldn't be feeling like this. We should know better. We shouldn't be tired, we should be sleeping perfectly, we shouldn't be emotional. This makes it so much more difficult to actually cope with what has presented itself.
Of course, there are things that are not ideal, that cause us problems, that would be helpful to change and that the change would allow us to live our lives with more ease. That is why professional therapists, life coaches and good friends exist, so we can move through these issues and create more ease in life. So, noticing that something isn't helpful and starting a line of enquiry as to the best way to go about changing that, is very useful indeed, and the reason my job exists!
However, how we FEEL about the problem before we change it or whilst we are changing it, is the bit that we make very difficult for ourselves by judgment or resisting the issue that has come up. Some part of us believes we shouldn't be experiencing what we are experiencing. This kind of resistance and creation of conflict is harmful to us, and not necessary, as it just makes things more difficult.
Remember: What is, is. As Tolle would say "the Isness of now, is, the Isness of now". In other words whatever has manifested in your Life Situation is here now, no matter what you feel about it. You can either resist it, or accept it. Accepting it makes it easier to change, as the conflict will disappear, and a conflict with yourself makes things harder to change. Accepting your current circumstances is not "letting yourself off the hook" - you are just resolving the internal conflict and the self-judgment whilst you go about learning how to get different outcomes, if you can.
Practice: Noticing where you find yourself, no matter where or what it is, and remind yourself: What is, is.
Instead: Start accepting where you are. Remember, this doesn't mean you like it, or that you want the same result next time. You may absolutely still want to change the situation, and you can and will. How you feel whilst you are changing it is the big one. I have a little mantra that I use to myself whenever something presents itself that seems difficult - you might choose to use it too, or find another one that works for you:
"acceptance, acceptance, acceptance."
It is hard to notice these things and practice new things. It need only start with baby steps, and awareness. Go easy on yourself. It is worth the practice and the attention, as you will create and ease and a freedom that are worthwhile.
Recommended reading:
www.charlottehinksman.com for coaching services in Wellington and via SKYPE.
As always I welcome your comments and feedback.
Charlotte.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
How To Be Sitting And Dealing With Uncertainty
People who read my blogs often say to me that the blog sometimes seems to be written just for them: like somehow I know what they are thinking and feeling exactly and this is described in the blog. People then often ask how I decide which topic to write about each month, given these personal connections to the topic.
How I do is based on two things: sometimes these two things are actually one of the same thing and go hand in hand. It is either something I am personally experiencing and have found my way through, and / or a pattern with my clients that shows up consistently in my practice; i.e. that a number of clients in that week or two week period come and, unbeknownst to them of course, start talking of the same struggles. Sometimes what I am challenged by or working my way through in my own life comes up with my clients, or sometimes what my clients say to me triggers something inside of me that I realise I too want to solve (these are well known dynamics within the therapy and coaching world, and there are many different theories and schools of thought as to why these parallels occur - which I won't go into here).
Either, or both, there is always inspiration - I can't write without being inspired by the topic - and the inspiration usually comes from finding solutions to the struggle or the challenge: helping others find a solution that really works for them, or me finding one that really works for me in my own life.
This month's topic is a combination of inspiration: from my own personal life and from what has been showing up in my practice lately, which I think has possibly been sparked off by the recent natural disasters in Christchurch, New Zealand, and Japan: uncertainty.
There is a lot of practical and personal uncertainty in these areas: not knowing where your income is going to come from, not knowing where your child will attend school, not knowing what is going to happen to your job or your business, not knowing exactly how your loved one died, not knowing what the new city will look like / be like, not knowing if it is safe to drink the water or not, not knowing if your government is telling you the truth and so on.
It is at times like this, when our every day structure and conditioning - by which I mean those things in your life which have become associated together through repetition or habit - provide a sense of "certainty" (note the inverted commas here). Our brains are conditioned into thinking when that happens then that happens, then that happens and then that happens: i.e. when the alarm goes off, I get out of bed, I make breakfast, I go the bus stop, I walk to my office, I go through my office door, I sit at my desk, I have my morning coffee which wakes me up, I come home, my partner will come home half an hour later, we make dinner together, we laugh we talk about our day......etc.
These natural associations or conditioned responses in our cause patterns in our brains that creates a sense of "certainty" - we think we know what is going to happen and when, what things are going to be like, because these things have been conditioned together in the past. A = B. This is a very safe anchor for your brain to attach things to. These associations make us feel stable and secure and creates a feeling that we know what is going to happen in the future, which creates a little safe web of "certainty".
The problems occur then, when these anchors are disrupted and taken away, or when we have new experiences, where we don't have the old associations to rely on to tell us what the outcome of these experiences are going to be: we don't know it will "be OK" because we haven't experienced it before, it is new to us and our brains. When a significant anchor is removed, we no longer have an office door to walk through, or a school to take our child to, or our partner is no longer coming home in the evening, our brain has lost its safe associations: it doesn't know what now, is supposed to "happen next" because the bit that went before it is missing - it has lost its anchors - its goal posts and road signs, and may well be dealing with a whole bunch of new road signs or goal posts that it hasn't been able to work out what they mean or what happens afterwards yet.
One thing I have noticed about myself over the last few months, is that I am really not very good at sitting on something which is unresolved, especially when that unresolved thing is highly important; something to do with one of my relationships or my work. I am a coach, and my brain is wired into finding solutions and a positive way forward. When something occurs that is "disruptive" - my mind immediately goes in to solution mode: this makes me feel better, having a plan or a some steps to move forward. This sometimes involves making quick decision and / or talking it through with someone.
The problem with this strategy is that solutions are not always obvious or clear, or always possible. My partner and I have very different conflict resolution styles: I need to sort the conflict out as soon as possible, like now, and I am driven by this emotional need to have it resolved. Once it is resolved, I can relax again. He, on the other hand, needs time to think it through. If something is emotive, it is difficult to think and see things clearly. He needs time and space to sit with it, and work it out. I need to clear my emotion immediately so I can feel better, and so need it sorted out now. You can see how these two things are mismatched!
We have come up with solutions to make these very different styles work together. For me, I am learning how to sit with something that is unresolved, and deal with my own emotion about it, whilst he has the space to think things through. It works for me if we plan a time when we will speak about it: perhaps in one hour's time, or tomorrow morning. We may not actually speak about it then, but it helps my brain to know there is a plan sitting out there in the future. I am having to learn (and I purposefully put this in the continuous tense - as I am certainly still very much learning) how to sit with something that I don't know the answer to yet, and don't have a solution to yet. It is hard!! Yet totally worthwhile. And what I have noticed is it takes some very different mental strategies to do this, which I would like to share with you here, as I think they are useful no matter what kind of uncertainty or unknown you are dealing with or to the degree of importance it takes.
1) Remember the future is uncertain and unknown for every single one of us, every single day of our lives. We only believe things are "certain" because we have conditioned ourselves through habit and repetition. We think the future will be like the past - which of course, can be a blessing and a curse, depending on what your past has been like. This is, however, always an illusion that your brain has created, to keep itself safe. This is a useful thing for your brain to do, of course, yet it is still illusionary. The future is ALWAYS unknown - for all of us, as it just has not happened yet. So, remind yourself, when you are not sure of the outcome of something, or there is a problem that hasn't been solved yet and you do not yet know how or when it will be solved, it is no different from any other time in your life, as the future is always, always unknown, and when we think about it, always just imagined.
2) Notice your control issues for what they are. People who have more difficulty dealing with the uncertain or the unknown (i.e. like going on holiday with a group of people you don't know and a place you have never been) will have a higher need to control the things around them and their lives. When the threat to your ability to be in control is present, your brain can freak out, and then everything becomes uncertain. I most certainly do prefer to be in control of things, it makes me feel safe. Most human beings have a degree of needing to control something, and It doesn't make you a "control freak" - a phrase which is commonly used and has unhelpful negative connotations. I don't agree that the need to be in control all the time is useful: as we all need to find a degree of flexibility in any behaviour that we have; however, it is useful to just acknowledge it as a safety mechanism, and just accept that the reason you feel afraid in this situation is because you can't fully control the outcome. And then, of course, find and use a useful antidote to this:
3) Practice trusting. This to me, is essential, and something I have had to really tune into in my own practice of sitting with uncertainty. The reason not knowing the outcome becomes problematic or unbearable is because there is a thought that the outcome will be less than desirable to us; and that maybe we won't be able to cope with that negative outcome. If we all sat around and hallucinated positive outcomes and really believed they were going to happen, then we would not be concerned at all about what was unknown, as we would know it was going to be good. However, of course, this is not easy, given that some of the circumstances that currently present themselves are difficult enough in and of themselves, let alone what might unfold later on. The real skill to practice is in not being deluded in "Pollyanna Positivity" but to build strength and resilience to know you can cope with whatever happens, and a belief that no matter what happens you will be OK.
So, how? Practice reminding yourself of the following:
a) I have got through things in the past, and I can get through this.
b) Things do always work out.
c) I have support around me, or support I can go to when I need it.
d) In a pragmatic way (not a catasrophising way) predict the worse possible outcome, and work out what you would do if that happened - develop a plan. For example: If I lose my job then I would move back in with my parents and it may take me a while to get back on my feet again but I will and I will be OK. Or: he might break up with me, but I have dealt with that before, it is painful and I know that I would recover and be OK again. The sentiment being IF that happens I WILL work it out like this AND BE OK again.
e) I trust in that and those around me. I trust what is right will unfold for me.
4. Know you have a choice about what to do when you just don't know. This includes how to think about the possible scenarios or outcomes BEFORE they have happened, and before you know what the outcome is going to be. As we never really know the outcome, we just think we do through past conditioning - there are therefore a myriad of choices in how we interpret things and think about things we don't know. If I send an email to my brother, and he doesn't reply, I could choose to think he is upset with me for a reason I am not aware of. That may or may not be true, I won't know until I have checked. It is therefore, uncertain. So how I think about it before I have checked (or indeed, IF I decide to check) is a choice. Two mantras that can be helpful are: I have a choice about how I think about this right now or I just don't know yet and I can deal with it if it happens.
5. Decide if there is appropriate action to be taken, and take it. This depends on how your brain is wired, however, if you are very uncomfortable with uncertainty or the unknown, it means you probably prefer to be in charge and in control in your life. Even though you accept then, that there are some things you just can't control and you don't know what is going to happen yet, you can feel better by identifying what steps can be taken now, and taking them. Even if that action step is making a plan to talk to someone in a week's time, it is still action and it is still a step and it allows you to feel a degree of being in charge and in control again. This feels very safe for your brain in its illusion with "certainty" which remember is based on the logic of past conditioning that if that happens, then that will happen, and that will happen......so, being able to take a step forward that is familiar to you because it had a positive outcome in the past, will feel good for you. It may not get the outcome yet, and it will certainly feel better in that moment, which is your aim, given that you don't know what is going to happen yet.
I remember reading once that when things don't feel good in this moment, for whatever reason, the practice is reaching for the next best feeling-thought: i.e. the thought that feels better than the one before it. It may not provide The Solution, and as we know, this may not be clear for a while, but it is about reaching for what can feel better in that moment, given that the future is uncertain.
I am practising all of this with you - so please let me know what you think, or if you have any comments or questions or tips which may be useful!
As always I welcome your feedback. With love, Charlotte.
www.charlottehinksman.com for coaching services.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
How To Stay Stable When There Is So Much Instability
The earth has literally been moving from under our feet. This creates instability on multi-levels. What can you do for yourself to find your own inner stability amongst all the outer instability? I hope to answer some of those questions for you in this blog.
Wherever you are in the world, you have heard about the Christchurch earthquake that happened on Tuesday 22nd February. I have a network of friends and colleagues in Christchurch, who thankfully are all safe. Since then, we have had the news of the earthquake and Tsunami in Japan, on Friday 11th March. I live in Wellington, New Zealand, in the north Island, and I lived in Japan many years ago, and have a number of good friends still there, who thankfully are all safe as well.
Since the major earthquake in Christchurch we have had two small earthquakes in Wellington, which although apparently are quite normal, after the disaster in Christchurch took on new meaning and put the fear into most people - including me. After the disaster in Japan I turned on my phone when coming out of the cinema to a barrage of texts from friends and family back home, telling me they were worried sick and checking I was OK - as there had been Tsunami warnings for the whole of the Pacific including New Zealand.
I feel like I am living in natural disaster land, and over the last nearly three weeks since Christchurch, have been triggered into fear and worry on several occasions. Facebook has become an awesome resource for instantly getting in touch with people to see if they are safe, and for letting people back home know that I am, for sharing the latest news updates and for an instant connection with people when you are lying in bed during an earthquake and feeling unsettled and not sure what to do!
My point is, that if you are a person who cares, and especially if you live in NZ or Japan, these disasters are having a 100% affect rate - meaning that whether directly involved or otherwise you will have been or are being affected on some level - you can't help but be. In this blog I want to talk about what that affect could be, and how to help yourself stay resourceful during these times - finding inner stability when there is so much outer instability - when the earth literally moves from under your feet.
How are people being directly affected?
If you are directly affected then of course the answer to that is obvious; you may have lost your home, loved ones, you may be living in third world conditions with no running water.
You will likely be experiencing feelings of trauma and PTSD symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares) and be worried, fearful or anxious about what has happened or what could happen next. The uncertainty of the situation is also likely to play a major role in how you feel - not being able to be certain where your kids are going to go to school, whether the building you work in might fall to the ground, whether Christchurch will ever be safe again, whether there will be another earthquake again tomorrow with more devastating affects....
When we have a major traumatic event - the research conducted by trauma and grief expert George Bonanno shows that statistically 90% of people will recover naturally after only two months. About 45% of those people were "resilient' - i.e. they never showed any PTSD symptoms and remained resilient during and after the event. The other 45% will suffer at first and after two months go into "recovery" mode where they overcome those bad feelings naturally and without the need for any intervention. The other 10% will be traumatised and show PTSD symptoms and are statistically shown to continue having these symptoms until they receive professional interventions which help them recover.
I think this is comforting news for people and it is helpful to share this with people you know who have been directly affected. It might be little comfort when you are woken up in the middle of the night with a surge of adrenaline from a nightmare you've just had - however, statistically you now know that you will recover from this naturally, once your brain knows that the threat is over. And for those who find themselves in that remaining 10% after a period of time can be comforted also - it is just your brain doing what it is designed to do, which is to keep you safe from threat - that is what the fear response was evolutionarily designed for. We know from research conducted into the effectiveness of trauma recovery interventions, like NLP, you will be OK again.
How to help yourself
In terms of dealing with the uncertainty of the situation, there are also things you can do to help yourself stay stable amongst all this. Remember, the fear, worry and anxiety you are experiencing is there for a good reason - to keep you safe. It isn't easy for your brain to be convinced you are safe when the threat to your survival is still around - i.e. aftershocks. However, as always, there are things you can do to help yourself and your system calm down and stay resourceful at these times:
1) Learn to breathe properly. When you go into a fear or a panic response you start breathing frantically and shallowly - and you end up with more oxygen in your system than your system needs or wants. This is why you get sweaty palms and feel dizzy. To counteract this chemical imbalance in your body you need more carbon dioxide in there. If you breathe out for longer than you breathe in, this corrects the imbalance: this is a physiological fact, nothing to do with me, just something mother nature designed! You can't breathe properly and panic at the same time - so choose one.
So, no matter what, pay attention to how you're breathing and make sure you are. And then practice 8-4 breathing:
Put your hand on your abdominal area and try and breathe in deeply here, as oppose to your chest (shallow breathing).
Breathe in for the count of 4.
Hold the breath for a couple of heartbeats (1, 2)
Breathe out for the count of 8.
2. Do whatever you can to relax your system. When you are relaxed, your body believes it is out of mortal danger, and can get on with those longer term health outcomes like a healthy digestion and immune system. You don't have to wait for the threat to be over in real life to teach your body to relax now - you being in a fear response isn't going to change the outcome as to whether there is another earthquake or not, and you are much more resourceful and able to think clearly when you are in a relaxed state of mind. You may not get there fully - i.e. completely relax, which is understandable - and you can still do your best. Anything that you know works for you that relaxes your system - do it! And remember, some of you are active relaxers - meaning you have to be doing and activity in order to relax yourself like sport or knitting or cleaning. Others need to be doing very little in order to relax, like lying down with a book or meditating. Know yourself and what works and do it.
3. Have a good strategy for dealing with the stuff you have to deal with. Get someone to help you prioritise - with all the stuff that has come up and potentially all the stuff that now needs doing, you can't do it all at once and if you try you will become overwhelmed and stressed. Prioritise - make a list, and then decide what needs doing first? And then next? And then next? Plan the next SMALL steps you are going to take in order to tackle the first priority - and see them in your mind as SMALL steps. This will help you deal with the future more effectively - there are many unanswered questions right now and the way you can help yourself deal with that is having a useful and prioritised plan of action.
If not seeking help professionally, then I do recommend going through this with other people - you don't need to do it all alone. Brainstorm it together - put your infinite inner-resources together and see what you come up with.
How are people being indirectly affected?
New Zealand is a small population. Everyone knows someone that has been affected in Christchurch, even if you don't actually live in New Zealand right now. And even if you don't know anyone personally, when the atmosphere of a nation changes so dramatically so quickly, you may be experiencing some secondary affects - fear, uncertainty, feeling unstable or unsure, or maybe just emotionally flat or concerned.
How to help yourself
1. Give yourself a break. Release that however you feel - if you are feeling a lot of negative emotion or even just "flat" - that it is normal, you are being affected on a subtle level, not always consciously. So, give yourself a break if you are not feeling 100% right now (I have!) and recognise it for what it is and perhaps not directly yours. It will probably pass, and if you are concerned about your emotional health please seek help.
2. Help others realistically. Everyone wants to help, of course. And you need to make sure you don't burn out. There are lots of things you can be doing and getting involved in, and with that comes a certain amount of pressure that you "should" be doing more, or your "should" be giving more. It is a time when we are good national citizens and want to do our share of the helping and come together as a community - which is one of the awesome things that can come out of such adversity. AND you need to look after yourself too - you being burnt out or stressed isn't going to help anyone, including anyone in Christchurch or Japan.
Decide on how much extra curricular activity you can REALISTICALLY fit in, and how much financially you can afford, above and beyond what you need to do for yourself, and do that and only that. With everyone doing the same, we are all doing our best and working collectively. Your wellbeing counts too and you need to look after it.
3. Focus on appreciation and gratitude. There is nothing like a natural disaster like this where people have unexpectedly lost their lives to put things into perspective for the rest of us. A sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. It makes us realise that life is short, and can be taken away from us at any given moment. It is so precious. The things we can grumble about or be annoyed about on a daily basis cease to matter as much as realising that you are ALIVE - you are living and breathing and seeing and hearing and tasting and touching. Appreciate things about your day and your life - little things. Take a moment to write these things down before you go to bed;
Today I was grateful for:
My running water and plentiful food
My cat making me laugh with her unusual ways!
The sun shining in my back garden
It may be a prime time to asses your life, too. Are you living the way that you want to? If not, what do you want in your life? Don't waste another precious moment being anything less than appreciative and happy. If you are not happy, for whatever reason, make a plan to do something about it - there is so much you can do for yourself. It may be as simple as a small lifestyle change, like planning more time for yourself each week to read or be in the garden, or a bigger change like applying for that job you really want or writing that book you've been meaning to start...
Next steps
Whether you are directly affected or indirectly affected there are lots of resources available to you - whether it is being kinder to yourself, talking stuff through with a friend or finding professional help. There is a lot of free help being offered - it is there for a reason, so use it.
I am part of a charitable trust called The New Zealand Trauma Recovery Trust - we went to Samoa last year following the 2009 Tsunami. We are offering free NLP sessions through our coordinated list of NLP professional volunteers to those in need. Contact us through the website or call 0800 NLP RECOVERY (0800 657 732).
Please do get in touch if you have any questions and comments: charlotte@charlottehinksman.com or www.charlottehinksman.com
Sunday, March 06, 2011
After The Earth Moves - Thoughts From The Chaos Zone for NLP Practitioners.
Lynn Timpany has been in private NLP practice for nearly 15 years and my professional supervisor for five years. She lives in Christchurch and was affected by the recent earthquake. She is also coaching a large number of people to help them with their resourcefulness in the current unsafe situation in Christchurch. She has written this article from her experiences with the intention of assisting NLPers to be resourceful and work ecological when assisting our clients to recover from trauma safely. Please read it and let me know if you have any questions: chinksman@gmail.com, www.charlottehinksman.com.
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I am awake, 4.23am. I realise that I haven't felt an earthquake all night… that worries me. I wonder if the faultline is building up pressure and there will be a big one. I tell myself this is ridiculous. That it takes a few thousand years not a few hours. I feel better, but remember that I didn't put the radio on to recharge and if there's an earthquake I won't be able to hear the radio, again. So I get up to plug it in, and check that the torch is where I thought it was. Like most the people left in the central city area, I find it tricky to sleep. I wonder how to believe that it won't happen again, possibly even worse. All of this seems perfectly rational not anxious. I wonder if I'm traumatised, I don't think so… but as I'm considering that, I have a flashback to seeing my street, a fast flowing river. It isn't much less scary going backwards at high speed! I think, stuff it, if I'm not sleeping I may as well do something constructive, like sort my brain out and write a small article.
After doing a stack of sessions with people since the recent events the most prevalent word was "uncertainty". We don't know if/when another one will happen. Since the earthquakes started back in September I have done only a few traditional trauma cures. The structure of the problems much more frequently generalised anxiety, and also unpleasant conditioned kinaesthetic responses anchored to kinaesthetic triggers.(like trucks going past on the street.) There will of course be those directly effected by the carnage in the central city, but that will be a tiny percentage of those we are likely to encounter doing our NLP sessions.
Any outcome about feeling safe and secure is likely to be problematic, as there's just too much ecology around the reality of the recent experiences and ongoing aftershocks. For many here in ChCh, right now, the idea of feeling safe and secure seems a bit delusional. In the process of writing this there has been around 10 aftershocks, one bad enough to send me under the table, and to throw some of the things off the shelves, that I only put back yesterday.
So, in sessions it's really important to fully address the ecological concerns around any anxiety, with effective meta-level outcomes.
So, as well as the obvious VK dissociation process, these are the kinds of things I've been doing a lot of with clients effected by the earthquakes:
Bridging outcomes: Goals about responding to the current situation in a way that is satisfying.
"Ideally, how would you like to be able to respond to this uncertainty?"
"How would you need to respond to feel really pleased about how you had coped with this awful situation?"
In a couple of cases asking the values of the current time bridging outcome.
"Whats important to you about how you deal with this?"
Collapsing Anchors: Especially any kinaesthetic triggers for anxiety.
Useful core questions: Most people having problems, and also most people getting prepared, are asking "What if.." questions. Again, deal with the ecology of being prepared, and then teach about core questions and help the client pick a good one, and write it down on a card for them, or tattoo it on them, or something that get's them practising. A "how" or "what" question.
Peripheral vision. Teach clients how to relax using peripheral vision. Tell them to teach everyone else they know, especially children. This is by far the easiest way to relax without butting up against ecological concerns. It's very fast and very effective.
Strategies for dealing with 'stuff'.
Another common response is overwhelm, or generalised stress. These people need a really good strategy for prioritising and chunking down to a manageable step. The strategy will usually work much better if it also includes a great core question as one of the steps. (It could also include peripheral vision as one of the steps.)
For example:
Trigger - Core question →- Imagine the small step/check that it feels ok - do it!
(Whats the first step of the most important thing now?)
Strategies for dealing with aftershocks.
There's lots of people panicking with aftershocks. Having a strategy for a resourcefull reponse helps. (Even a wee plan really helps. For example count to 3, taking breaths, if it's still moving, duck for cover. )
However you do it, support people to have some kind of plan about how they prefer to respond to the ongoing aftershocks and future pace it. Many people are also worried about 20th March, when there is another full moon perigree which may be a high risk time. Future pacing their preferred responses to these concerns is important.
I hope that these thoughts help practitioners to feel confident working with earthquake effected clients, even if it's not a usual 'trauma process' type scenario. As Christchurch resident, thank you so much for your help.
Sunday 6th March 2011
By Lynn Timpany
Richmond, Christchurch
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Part 2 - Communicating Better in Your Romantic Relationship
The previous blog talked about how to communicate better in all your relationships, and this month's blog is focussing on how to communicate better in what I term your "romantic relationships" - which doesn't mean you are "romantic" in the traditional sense of the word, more the person who is your lover, partner, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend......
It is an interesting time to be alive on the planet, I think. So much has changed in the last 60 years or so in the western world; our roles within our genders have changed and will continue changing. What were traditional and defined in male-female relationships are no longer traditional and defined, which has been and will continue to be hugely liberating for both males and females; whether we are in opposite-sex relationships or same-sex relationships. On the other hand, of course, the new choices we all have in society about how we can live our lives and conduct ourselves can often lead to ambiguity and uncertainty - what do we expect from our partners as a man or a woman? What do they expect from us? And what can we and do we expect from ourselves? Is this realistic and well communicated, or can we string people out for not meeting them, even if they aren't clearly defined in the first place?
And expectations to me are an interesting thing. We have a lot of them in this society, and most of them too high and unobtainable. (Which I have written about in previous blogs, and my hope for people is to develop a way of having high standards without alarmingly high expectations that they can't meet and then tell themselves off for not meeting.) Most people don't take the time they need to put into the their own self and personal development, leaving a lot of our personal needs unmet, which we then, wrongly, expect our partners to meet, and when they don't, this can lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship and arguments. So, what is the balance here and how do we achieve it?
The thing that can happen in "romantic relationships" that doesn't happen so often in friendships or family relationships, although it still can, is the fact that there are (most of the time!) just two of you involved - two people, bouncing things off just one other person, who can't be objective as the other person has their own needs and agenda, and are too, bouncing things off the other person in the relationship! Sound complicated? I guess it is, really! What it means, is because of this kind of dynamic, things can get very, very subjective in there, with no opportunity for an objective view point, unless we ask a friend - and usually the friend will be on "our side" and unable to be completely objective and help us see where we personally need to change. This is why couple's counselling and therapy can be useful, to get that truly objective vantage point when things get a bit messy. Of course there are ways of cleaning things up before it gets to that stage, with some useful communication and strategies.
The Balance
The balance needs to be this: You are a whole person. You know yourself, who you are, what you are about and what you want out of life. You know what you need to do to keep yourself balanced; meaning happy and healthy, and you do these things to look after yourself.
You have a partner that is the same. You come together as two wholes, and make one even wholer-whole - a new system. You do have needs that you cannot meet by yourself; and these needs are met by your partner - a role you play for one another. You are independent in an intra-dependent relationship.
You support one another to be your absolute best, and know what makes the other one tick, and help them grow. You can recognise when your own "stuff" is getting in the way of this, and can take steps to sort that out. You recruit agreed "support" from your partner to do this, yet you do not "expect" they will sort it out for you, or fix you, as you know this can only come from you. You are patient and supportive when it is their turn to do this.
You communicate and sort things out together, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, and recognise when these end and when your partner's begin.
You are in love and secure within this. You know you have your own and each other's best interests at heart. You display love and affection towards each other and a loving and trusting environment.
You are both committed to spending time working on the relationship, and therefore making it work.
How do you get there?
Some of you may already be there - which is great. And you CAN get there in your relationships. It just takes a little work and devotion, that is all, and is also an ongoing process of relatING to one another (not a static thing).
1. Clarity about who you are
I believe and have seen that the best relationships occur when the ingredients above are in the mix - and some of you may have started from a place of relative "wholeness" before you got into a relationship, and some of you may of course still be growing into wholeness whilst being supported in your current relationship.
The key here, is to KNOW yourself. If you are single, then you are in a state where you can take stock of this - where did things go wrong in your last relationship, and how did YOU contribute to that? What kind of partner do you want to be in your next relationship? What baggage do you know you have carried from relationship to relationship and what are you going to do to let that go now? Look at this previous blog if you aren't clear on this stuff yet go here: http://chinksman.blogspot.com/search?q=break+up+opportunity
What are your values: what is fundamentally important to you in your life, so that you can make decisions about how and where to spend your time and energy and therefore your direction? Do you know? If not, how can you expect to know if you and your partner share the same ideas about what is important in the world? A lot of relationships fail because there are too many values in conflict - what YOU think is important and how you want to spend YOUR time is very different from them. If you are not clear on this yet - go here: http://chinksman.blogspot.com/search?q=review+of+the+year
What keeps you happy and balanced? KNOW this, so you don't expect or rely on someone else to know this for you. Get clearer here: http://chinksman.blogspot.com/search?q=energy+bucket
2. Get clear together
Your relationship doesn't need to be in trouble for you to do this - it is just another exciting part of your journey together, or, if it is a new relationship, it is useful to get clear about this at the beginning, to make sure you are on track and these things are aligned. Once you are clear on number one above, and so is your partner, get together and check - how much is aligned, i.e. you want the same things and are heading in the same direction? How much is oppositional? What can be worked on, and what are irretrievable differences that won't work together (wouldn't you rather know this now, rather than five years down the track?). How can you support each other with those complimentary skills you have? Is there enough here to make a life together and be happy?
3. Communicate!
Goodness, this really does seem like an obvious one doesn't it, and how many times have you heard it?! If you have good communication skills, please, please use them, and if you don't, please, please learn them! The ability to be honest about stuff and explain what is going on for you, and checking what is going on for them, and finding a solution together without projecting your "stuff" onto them IS a real skill, and it is totally possible and worth it. It is said to be the key to the quality of the relationship, and in my professional experience is one of the main reasons relationships fail.
There are many reasons people find it difficult to communicate well, it is certainly ongoing work and practice to do this, and again, worth it.
Read:
http://chinksman.blogspot.com/search?q=communicate+better
Transforming Communication by Dr Richard Bolstad
The Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman.
4. Develop patience
Your partner isn't perfect, and you are not either. Why? Because there are no perfect people in the world, sorry to be the one that tells you that. There will undoubtedly be things that annoy you about your partner, and there will be things you do that annoy them. They will have patterns that don't fit with you, or that inconvenience you. Resist the urge to make them "wrong" for this. Look at yourself too, you have things about you that are also annoying. If the fundamentals are all there (above) then these minor irritations are forgivable. You can only know the difference between what's fundamental and what is "surface level" once you have done the work above, which is why it is super useful to get clear on this stuff!
5. Show love and affection regularly
Again, seems like an obvious one, doesn't it? You would be surprised at how many couples forget! When we are not in touch with ourselves, and we expect our partner to fill ALL our needs, we forget what we need to do to fill their needs. Again, the aim is for this to be balanced between you. I heard recently that the definition of abundance was having so much of something that you can easily give some away. What would it be like to have an abundance of love? So much love for yourself, you can give so much to your significant other, without "expecting" anything back? What would it be like if you both did that? In Gottmans' research they found that successful couples (in long, loving relationships) said just 100 words of positive feedback to one another per day. One hundred words is not a great deal, just a few sentences, and it can be enough to make the difference. It doesn't mean you don't argue by the way, it just means that there is a ratio of more positive communication.
There are many ingredients that make a relationship work, and if you are single you have ample time to get really clear on this stuff, so you can walk into the next relationship whole. If you are already with someone, this will help you get clear together and set some important fundamentals in place. It is work, and it is worth it.
As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.
Charlotte.
www.charlottehinksman.com for coaching services in Wellington, NZ.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
How to begin communicating better in your relationships
John and Julie Gottman can predict whether a couple will make it or not, with 90% accuracy, from watching only 3 minutes of their interaction with each other. Quite mind boggling isn't it? Their theories come from 40 years of researching and analysing what couples say to each other and the manner in which they say it; examining in detail every element of a couple's interaction, including verbal (words and voice tone), non-verbal (body language, gestures, facial expressions) and physiological (rate of breathing and heart rate).
The Gottman's contribution to understanding the ingredients to successful relationships has been hugely significant and groundbreaking for psychology and in the couple counselling field - dispelling many of the myths about what "makes relationships work" previously assumed true. The focus, which fits in with the NLP model, is looking at what happy couples do that works (as oppose to traditional models of couple therapy which look at what isn't working).
This article is the first in a two part series. In this first one, I am going to use Gottman's research and my own professional experience as a coach to explore ways in which you can communicate better in ALL of your relationships. In the second article (next month) I will more specifically talk about how to communicate to make your romantic partnerships work. I love working with couples and teaching them how to transform their communication with each other and seeing what a difference it makes: my proudest success so far was a young couple who had been together for nearly 10 years and were on the verge of breaking up when they first came into my office. 2-3 months later after a combination of individual and couple's therapy, they came into my office and announced their engagement and their pregnancy and were married one month later!
So, let's focus on how to communicate better in all your relationships to make them a better place for you and for the other person. This topic is a real passion, and writing about it this time of year is important as many of us prepare to spend Christmas with our family members or in-laws. Something then for all of us to consider over the holiday period!
As someone with many personal relationships and professional relationships, I know as well as anyone else that when any two people come together and form a relationship - no matter what the specific nature of the relationship is - we will experience road bumps: we misunderstand each other, we disagree, we argue, we fall out, we get irritated or annoyed with one another, we love each other sometimes and hate each other at other times, we can't understand why they do that we wish if only they changed that thing about themselves then it would be easier to get on...and so on and so forth. No matter what kind of person we are and intend to be, there are no completely smooth paths in any relationship.
A personal belief I have is that most things can get solved with some good quality communication. Sometimes not, of course, which requires a different course of action, like changing the relationship in a way which means you don't interact with that person anymore. The trouble with good quality communication is there aren't many of us that know how to do it: we don't get taught at school. We also have one more thing that significantly gets in the way: our own head and the stuff that goes through it ("But surely it's the other person's fault, not mine! They're the ones that are irritating!"). I hear you. But, alas, 'fraid not - think again! It is as much (if not more) about you as it is about them, as you are about to discover. And how cool is that - considering the only person you have the power to change is yourself?! How convenient!
The stuff that goes on in your head that gets in the way
1. Filters
Your brain does an amazing amount of things for you every single day of your life. Most of those things are incredibly useful (keeping you breathing, turning on your resources when you need them) and some things turn out to be not so useful. One thing that can turn out to be not so useful is the set up of a filter.
A simple example: some kind of event occurs - let's say your flatmate doesn't do the washing up. You notice it. The next day, same thing happens and you notice it again. You create a belief in your mind "my flatmate doesn't do his fair share of the washing up".
Now we have our belief - the beginning of our filter. What a belief does for you is unconsciously (i.e. you are not aware) seeks out evidence to confirm itself as true. When you were young (if you grew up in Western culture) you believed Santa Claus was real. It didn't matter that Santa Claus looked and smelled like dad, and that you didn't actually have a chimney, and mum and dad seemed to know exactly what was in your parcels. You believed it, happily, with your child brain. Until one day, a combination of maturity and a massive piece of evidence coming along to the contrary, that you changed your belief (if you haven't yet - sorry for being the one to break it to you).
As a belief seeks out supportive evidence, it filters out contrary evidence, simply because your brain can only process a certain amount of information at a time. It deletes, distorts and generalises information to confirm itself as true.
For example with the belief of "my flatmate doesn't do his share of the washing up" every time you see the washing up on the bench - you go to yourself "See! There he goes again!". This strengthens the belief.
You may therefore delete the fact that he did do the washing up last night, or that he put away the dishes, or that he cooked you dinner, or that he offered to feed your friend's cat for you. You distort - it becomes he "never" does the washing up, as oppose to "he didn't do it those two times" and you generalise "he never does ANYTHING around the house!".
All of this stands out in your brain is the times he didn't do it, which is therefore all you will remember about him. It may mean you are accurate and it may mean that because you are focusing on this one part of the picture only, you are automatically missing the other parts of the picture.
(This is a VERY simple example - try not to take it too literally. And you can see that with beliefs like "no one in my family cares about me" or "she doesn't love me" how sticky this can become in relationships).
2. Mind Reads
This is a cracker! Especially in romantic relationships, when we think we know someone well we know exactly what they're thinking. We are so good at knowing what other people think - aren't we? Well, actually, we are not. But we think we are - don't we? Yes, we do! If I had a NZ dollar for every time I heard a mind read pop out of someone's mouth, well, you know what I am getting at.... Some common examples:
They think I am a bad mother
If I don't go to the BBQ, they'll think I am not doing my duties
She obviously thinks I am stupid
She doesn't want to go with me
He obviously doesn't give a shit, why would he?
She doesn't care whether I am here or not
A mind read is just that, what we think other people are thinking, based on our imagination, and without checking with someone, will remain based on our imagination ("But, it's based on past experience!" - that may be so, but without checking and hard evidence, it still remains made up by you, in your head. It could be true, and it also may not be).
3. Adding Meanings
In reality, there is nothing else apart from events which take place outside of you in the external world, and the meaning you make of those events in your head. It's a broad statement, I know, and it is true. We have some cultural meanings and assumptions, which make it easier for two people of the same culture to make the same meaning, sure, but the meaning still remains made up by us, it's not the event itself. I am very careful when I listen to my clients when they tell me something important like "my father passed away" - I don't immediately say "I'm sorry to hear that" as is acceptable in Western society. It's not because I don't care, it's because I don't know what it means to them yet. They could be sad and grieving, they could be delighted. It's not my place to place a meaning on it, I want to find out what it means to them. Death and grief are good examples of the difference in meaning attached an event. In Western culture, someone dying is a bad thing, and it is appropriate to grief, usually for a long time. In eastern Buddhist cultures like Thailand for example, death is a celebration, as the person moves through a spiritual evolution into the next life. Westerners have mournful funerals and dress in black, in Thailand they have a party which usually lasts for three days.
In relation to another person we perceive an external event (i.e. the dirty washing up is still on the bench) and we add a meaning to that event (i.e. they don't care about my wellbeing) which may be accurate, and may not be - and we again won't know unless we check.
In my personal and professional experience, this is easily done, and more often than not is inaccurate. I had a client once who managed an administration team, who would often be convinced that members of her team were upset with her - and would go into all kinds of problem solving and finding solutions ideas and would tie herself up in knots. When I checked with her - how do you know she is upset with you? - the only "evidence" we came up with was that sometimes a certain person would have days when they were quieter than usual. So, you can see, a bit of a leap between the external event (they are quiet today) and the meaning (they are upset with me). Realising this saved her a whole bunch of time and made her a much more effective manager, only dealing with real problems.
Filters, mind reads and adding meanings you can see are all related to, and feed in to one another.
How the effect communication in relationships is that we offer communication based on our internal filters, mind reads and meanings (assumptions) and not the reality of the situation.
For example we believe that mum treats us like we are stupid. We confirm this belief by noticing during a telephone conversation that she'd asked if we'd remembered to buy Aunty Betty a Christmas present. We deleted the fact that she praised us for finishing that big project at work in time for Christmas. We mind read "she thinks I never remember the family" and we listen to her when she asks how we are planning on getting up there for Christmas and attach a meaning that confirms our belief which is "she doesn't trust me to plan anything on my own".
And so our story continues.......
With all of this playing a role in our thinking, we would respond and communicate to that person based on these internal assumptions and not necessarily with the information that is present. For example just because mum asked you whether you bought Aunty Betty her Christmas present yet doesn’t necessarily mean she thinks you are stupid. If we believe and think it does we are more likely to say “why do you ALWAYS talk to me like that?!” and she might say “like WHAT?! I am only asking?! Why are you always snapping at me?!” and so on.
What can you do about it?
The first thing to do is to realise so much of our external communication is based on these internal assumptions, and as you can see, may or may not be based on what is real and present in that moment. A lot of it also is based on the past, not the present. We have a saying in NLP: Perception Is Projection - which means whatever we perceive is what we are actually unconsciously projecting from our internal world, not necessarily what is true, accurate or correct.
The second thing to do is to start separating out what is present at that time and what is based on the projection from your internal world, and base your external communication to that person on this.
1. Pausing before reacting
Before you react in your habitual way “why are you always treating me like I am stupid” – pause a moment. Starting to generate a gap between an external event (mum asking if I had bought Aunty Betty’s Christmas present) and your reaction will begin a new cycle of awareness, which will start giving you new choices.
2. Listen through your ears not through your head
Actually hear the words they are saying instead of the words in your head. When you notice your mind getting your attention more than the words they are saying, play with choosing to tune in your ears again.
3. Start checking the evidence with yourself
Ask yourself an important question: How do I know? How do I know they don’t love me? How do I know they think I am stupid? Not how DID I know (i.e. based on the past) but how do I know right now?
If you wanted to get methodical about it, you could start keeping notes in a little book. Note down:
How do I feel?
Angry
Situation:
Conversation with mum
My thoughts:
She’s always doing this, she thinks I am stupid, she doesn’t approve of what I do
Check the evidence: what did she actually say or do that caused me to think this?
She asked me a question about a present.
Check the contrary evidence: what does she do or say that could cause me to think otherwise?
She did mention that it was fantastic I completed that work project on time. And she did ask me to help choose dad’s present this year.
4. Start checking the evidence with them
Check your mind reads and meanings with the person. This doesn’t need to open a can of words you are not ready to handle, just keep it very simple, and importantly, make it about YOU not about them at this stage, and try and define the actual behaviour, as oppose to your projection about what that behaviour means. For example, there is a huge difference between “when you condescend me” and “when you talk in that louder tone of voice”.
One the person can disagree with, as it is based on your projection, and one is based on an accurate description of the behaviour, which makes it harder for the person to disagree with.
Play with:
When you talk in that tone of voice, I think it means you are upset with me, is that right or have I misunderstood?
When you ask me that question, I think it means you don’t trust my judgment, have I got that right?
5. Give yourself a break and go easy
I am trained in a communication model called Transforming Communication, which takes four full days of training to learn the skills and techniques and probably years of consistent practice to make it a way of life in a relationship or a workplace. The Gottman’s research was done over a 40 year period. The point I am making is you won’t learn this all at once, take it a little a time, piece by piece, understand what’s going on for you first, and expect there to be a difference in how you feel in the relationship, a deeper understanding of yourself and the what makes the other person tick, not an immediate and miraculous shift in everything about that relationship. If you practiced one of the above only over Christmas only, you’d be off to an awesome start! So go easy and SLOWLY and this is about you and not them - for now.
Part two next month.
As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.
Charlotte
www.charlottehinksman.com for coaching and training services.
