Friday, December 21, 2007
Right, or Wrong? An impossible feat!
Contact: www.charlottehinksman.com for NLP services in Wellington.
It is amazing sometimes the 'trends' I observe in my practice working one on one with folks. I can't explain it exactly, but my observation is sometimes that from week to week, I notice a pattern where it seems that one week is consistently full of clients presenting the same problem, or at least the same underlying issue; and then the next week a different 'trend' emerges. How or why, I have no idea!
One of the things that seems to be consistently presenting itself recently is an underlying strict boundary between "right" and "wrong". Notice the inverted commas - they are there for a reason - as in my view the line between right an wrong is a blurry one, not an absolute distinction. Of course, I am not a litigation lawyer, in which case I imagine it to be a very necessary distinction indeed! And for those of a particular religious constitution again, I can understand the distinction.
Some of these beliefs about "right" or "wrong" may come from our upbringing or background, and whilst I agree on a moral grounding that we all need to have a sense of our actions and their impact on ourselves and others, and should indeed, be concerned about "doing the right thing" by ourselves and others, I do see over and over again that this underlying concern about getting things "right" - in which I mean "perfect", and being afraid of getting things "wrong" - can cause many problems in our every day experience that we are not always consciously aware of.
For example, it can mean beating yourself up for making a "mistake" - again note the inverted commas. It could mean going over the events of the day in your head, and pausing over each event in which you have done something "wrong", and getting some pretty negative feelings about yourself as a result. This can also, in my clinical experience, affect sleep, and often does so by keeping one's mind preoccupied with berating oneself for perceived "mistakes" - inverted commas. It can also screw up your ability to make decisions effectively, even those of a trivial or insignificant nature, i.e. choosing what to eat for lunch, or how to decorate the Christmas tree, for fear of somehow getting it "wrong". "Wrong according to whom?" I ask? "According to me", they say. I wonder?
The important benefit of strict right / wrong categorisation is that there comes with it, a certain high standard. If we are always striving to do things "right" - then I guess it means we are putting a lot of energy into doing our utmost, doing our best, working hard to achieve something and get it done to an exceptionally high standard. Sometimes people are fearful about letting go of the strict distinction between right and wrong, for fear of losing these high standards, from which they gain so many benefits. I am also speaking from personal experience by the way, and after years and years of being incredibly hard on myself and striving for "perfection" in everything I did, I have recently (after a lot of hard work; and only after fully realising the full negative implications and affects of which) loosened it up a little, and let it go a bit.
The result? High standards in tact; projects and challenges are now coupled with enjoyment and fun, and a higher level of success, and significantly less fear and stress; the fear of wanting so much to be perfect and get it "right" that I stressed myself out to surprising levels and beat myself up for all the stuff that hadn't been, in my view, "perfect" - whilst, simultaneously - with an alarmingly proficient skill - ignoring all the good points (and there were many) and neglecting to praise myself accordingly. I remember snippets of what seems now to be the same conversation over and over again with various people where they would, in intense frustration, try to get me to see all the good bits, only to be met with my indignation that there weren't any. Is that being fair on myself and all my hard work? I think not. It is evidence to me of that old NLP saying "if you don't believe it, you ain't going to see it!"
My point here is we all need to give up the expectation of being "perfect" and trying to "get it right" all the time (presupposing of course, there is a "wrong" which, if our fears are correct, we will be severely berated for). There is no perfect. It doesn't exist. Accept it, please! You will save yourself heaps of time and energy. We can only make decisions based on the information and knowledge we have available at the time, and even being an NLP practitioner I still haven't worked out a way of getting the benefit of hindsight before it becomes hindsight! I have therefore given up the fear of getting it wrong, and now just concentrate on doing my best, and knowing that my best is my best and that that's more than enough.
My advice? Keep your high standards, work diligently and at a level you are satisfied with, do your best, and remember to have fun and joy at the same time. It's what us human beings are hard-wired for! Trust yourself to make decisions based on your gut feeling and what you know, praise yourself for all your efforts and hard work, and never beat yourself up; ever. If you do like to review a project or your performance after its completion (or along the way..whatever works best for you) and rightfully value the opportunity feedback gives you to develop and grow, use the following structure - from scientific research is it by far the best way for your brain to receive and learn from feedback:
The Feedback Sandwich
One thing I really liked about what I did was .................
Another thing that was really good about it was ........................
One thing to improve on for next time would be .............................
Overall it was [insert positive comment!]
Notice how much more enjoyment you get, and how much more you grow and how much more you actually achieve.
Charlotte.
(c) Charlotte Hinksman 2007.
It is amazing sometimes the 'trends' I observe in my practice working one on one with folks. I can't explain it exactly, but my observation is sometimes that from week to week, I notice a pattern where it seems that one week is consistently full of clients presenting the same problem, or at least the same underlying issue; and then the next week a different 'trend' emerges. How or why, I have no idea!
One of the things that seems to be consistently presenting itself recently is an underlying strict boundary between "right" and "wrong". Notice the inverted commas - they are there for a reason - as in my view the line between right an wrong is a blurry one, not an absolute distinction. Of course, I am not a litigation lawyer, in which case I imagine it to be a very necessary distinction indeed! And for those of a particular religious constitution again, I can understand the distinction.
Some of these beliefs about "right" or "wrong" may come from our upbringing or background, and whilst I agree on a moral grounding that we all need to have a sense of our actions and their impact on ourselves and others, and should indeed, be concerned about "doing the right thing" by ourselves and others, I do see over and over again that this underlying concern about getting things "right" - in which I mean "perfect", and being afraid of getting things "wrong" - can cause many problems in our every day experience that we are not always consciously aware of.
For example, it can mean beating yourself up for making a "mistake" - again note the inverted commas. It could mean going over the events of the day in your head, and pausing over each event in which you have done something "wrong", and getting some pretty negative feelings about yourself as a result. This can also, in my clinical experience, affect sleep, and often does so by keeping one's mind preoccupied with berating oneself for perceived "mistakes" - inverted commas. It can also screw up your ability to make decisions effectively, even those of a trivial or insignificant nature, i.e. choosing what to eat for lunch, or how to decorate the Christmas tree, for fear of somehow getting it "wrong". "Wrong according to whom?" I ask? "According to me", they say. I wonder?
The important benefit of strict right / wrong categorisation is that there comes with it, a certain high standard. If we are always striving to do things "right" - then I guess it means we are putting a lot of energy into doing our utmost, doing our best, working hard to achieve something and get it done to an exceptionally high standard. Sometimes people are fearful about letting go of the strict distinction between right and wrong, for fear of losing these high standards, from which they gain so many benefits. I am also speaking from personal experience by the way, and after years and years of being incredibly hard on myself and striving for "perfection" in everything I did, I have recently (after a lot of hard work; and only after fully realising the full negative implications and affects of which) loosened it up a little, and let it go a bit.
The result? High standards in tact; projects and challenges are now coupled with enjoyment and fun, and a higher level of success, and significantly less fear and stress; the fear of wanting so much to be perfect and get it "right" that I stressed myself out to surprising levels and beat myself up for all the stuff that hadn't been, in my view, "perfect" - whilst, simultaneously - with an alarmingly proficient skill - ignoring all the good points (and there were many) and neglecting to praise myself accordingly. I remember snippets of what seems now to be the same conversation over and over again with various people where they would, in intense frustration, try to get me to see all the good bits, only to be met with my indignation that there weren't any. Is that being fair on myself and all my hard work? I think not. It is evidence to me of that old NLP saying "if you don't believe it, you ain't going to see it!"
My point here is we all need to give up the expectation of being "perfect" and trying to "get it right" all the time (presupposing of course, there is a "wrong" which, if our fears are correct, we will be severely berated for). There is no perfect. It doesn't exist. Accept it, please! You will save yourself heaps of time and energy. We can only make decisions based on the information and knowledge we have available at the time, and even being an NLP practitioner I still haven't worked out a way of getting the benefit of hindsight before it becomes hindsight! I have therefore given up the fear of getting it wrong, and now just concentrate on doing my best, and knowing that my best is my best and that that's more than enough.
My advice? Keep your high standards, work diligently and at a level you are satisfied with, do your best, and remember to have fun and joy at the same time. It's what us human beings are hard-wired for! Trust yourself to make decisions based on your gut feeling and what you know, praise yourself for all your efforts and hard work, and never beat yourself up; ever. If you do like to review a project or your performance after its completion (or along the way..whatever works best for you) and rightfully value the opportunity feedback gives you to develop and grow, use the following structure - from scientific research is it by far the best way for your brain to receive and learn from feedback:
The Feedback Sandwich
One thing I really liked about what I did was .................
Another thing that was really good about it was ........................
One thing to improve on for next time would be .............................
Overall it was [insert positive comment!]
Notice how much more enjoyment you get, and how much more you grow and how much more you actually achieve.
Charlotte.
(c) Charlotte Hinksman 2007.
