Friday, December 28, 2007
Review of the Year and Plans for the Next
Contact: http://www.charlottehinksman.com/ for NLP coaching services in Wellington.
I was lying in the rose garden of the beautiful Botanical Gardens in Thorndon (conveniently my 2nd backyard) today, on the last Saturday of 2007. I had a heap of books open on my rug, and my special notebook on which I was scratching away with my pen. A lady and her elderly mother, examining the different breeds of roses and scents around me, pleasantly start a conversation;
"You've a nice spot there!" the daughter exclaimed.
"Yeah, it's beautiful isn't it?" I replied.
"Are you studying?" she asks pleasantly.
"No, I am writing down all my goals for next year...." I start, propping myself up on an elbow.
"Oh, that's nice...." she says, absently, and walks away.
I could have perhaps said anything there and elicited the same, absent response. Perhaps I looked too young in my summer gear and sunglasses to be fussing about goal setting. Perhaps their image of me being a busy young student fitted better with them. Perhaps they were just being polite and weren't all that interested! It did get me thinking though, how many people use this period of rest over Christmas and New Year to reflect over their achievements of the past year, and plan for the next one? How many of us are too busy frantically socialising or shopping in the sales to take the time to really think about what we want the next year to bring us?
I have had the same end of year ritual for 2 years in a row now. I clarify my values in all areas of my life; career, spirituality, relationship, personal development and health & fitness, and set goals for each area, including my financial goals. As a result I feel I take an active role in creating the kind of year I want to have.
This last year (2007) for example, was so full of amazing opportunities and achievements - I created that! I knew what I wanted and I took action. I invited opportunities into my life by being focussed on what I wanted. Now, with so many of those goals and plans either ticked off or well on their way to being so, it seemed the last Saturday of 2007 was a perfect opportunity to praise myself for all I had achieved and to plan for the next yearly cycle of 2008, which, according to my astrological predictions, is going to be very busy indeed!
I have a book that I like to open again and again: The Secrets of Creating Your Own Future by Tad James, one of the early NLP pioneers who patented Time Line Therapy. I like the book, it reminds us of the principles of energy and The Law of Attraction, and also reminds you to be "at cause" of your own reality; instead of blaming yourself or others for your perceived un-successes, it's about getting the life you want by firstly, knowing what you want, and then being focussed and taking action. He deciphers between people who are "active" and those who are "reactive". Active people are the "doers" of the world, they make things happen, where as reactive people are more passive and tend to study, too anxious to make a move in case it doesn't work out. Make it your NY's resolution to be an Active person! Be a doer, get things done, allow your dreams to come true.
It has also been a year of personal development promotion, with movies and books like The Secret coming into the mainstream. I like writing my goals as if they have already happened and I am giving thanks for them; "I am happy and grateful that I now have..."
My formula for energy alignment and goal setting for 2008
1. Spend an afternoon looking at your past year, congratulating yourself for all you've done, even if takes a while to find those things, look, they will be there no matter how small, and praise yourself.
2. Clarify your values, those things that are really important to you for each area of life (see above). For example:
Career
Freedom
Flexibility
Financial reward and prosperity
Challenge
Interesting
Development and growth
Achievement
Fun
Changing the world
Estimate these in order of importance, with the most important first (NB this is just an example!)
3. Write out all the things you would like to achieve for 2008 for each area of your life, write them in the present tense or past tense, as if they are happening or have already happened, and give thanks for them. Use the word gratitude and grateful a lot. Keep these somewhere special, a notebook by your bed or laminate them and stick them up on the wall and refer to them often. They can and will change, and that's OK too! As you grow and develop your preferences and desires will too. They are in no means set in stone and that's a good thing!
For example: "I am so happy and grateful that I completed the half marathon safely with praise and a real sense of personal achievement".
Wishing you all the best happiness over the year. Enjoy being Active in your own life!
Charlotte.
I was lying in the rose garden of the beautiful Botanical Gardens in Thorndon (conveniently my 2nd backyard) today, on the last Saturday of 2007. I had a heap of books open on my rug, and my special notebook on which I was scratching away with my pen. A lady and her elderly mother, examining the different breeds of roses and scents around me, pleasantly start a conversation;
"You've a nice spot there!" the daughter exclaimed.
"Yeah, it's beautiful isn't it?" I replied.
"Are you studying?" she asks pleasantly.
"No, I am writing down all my goals for next year...." I start, propping myself up on an elbow.
"Oh, that's nice...." she says, absently, and walks away.
I could have perhaps said anything there and elicited the same, absent response. Perhaps I looked too young in my summer gear and sunglasses to be fussing about goal setting. Perhaps their image of me being a busy young student fitted better with them. Perhaps they were just being polite and weren't all that interested! It did get me thinking though, how many people use this period of rest over Christmas and New Year to reflect over their achievements of the past year, and plan for the next one? How many of us are too busy frantically socialising or shopping in the sales to take the time to really think about what we want the next year to bring us?
I have had the same end of year ritual for 2 years in a row now. I clarify my values in all areas of my life; career, spirituality, relationship, personal development and health & fitness, and set goals for each area, including my financial goals. As a result I feel I take an active role in creating the kind of year I want to have.
This last year (2007) for example, was so full of amazing opportunities and achievements - I created that! I knew what I wanted and I took action. I invited opportunities into my life by being focussed on what I wanted. Now, with so many of those goals and plans either ticked off or well on their way to being so, it seemed the last Saturday of 2007 was a perfect opportunity to praise myself for all I had achieved and to plan for the next yearly cycle of 2008, which, according to my astrological predictions, is going to be very busy indeed!
I have a book that I like to open again and again: The Secrets of Creating Your Own Future by Tad James, one of the early NLP pioneers who patented Time Line Therapy. I like the book, it reminds us of the principles of energy and The Law of Attraction, and also reminds you to be "at cause" of your own reality; instead of blaming yourself or others for your perceived un-successes, it's about getting the life you want by firstly, knowing what you want, and then being focussed and taking action. He deciphers between people who are "active" and those who are "reactive". Active people are the "doers" of the world, they make things happen, where as reactive people are more passive and tend to study, too anxious to make a move in case it doesn't work out. Make it your NY's resolution to be an Active person! Be a doer, get things done, allow your dreams to come true.
It has also been a year of personal development promotion, with movies and books like The Secret coming into the mainstream. I like writing my goals as if they have already happened and I am giving thanks for them; "I am happy and grateful that I now have..."
My formula for energy alignment and goal setting for 2008
1. Spend an afternoon looking at your past year, congratulating yourself for all you've done, even if takes a while to find those things, look, they will be there no matter how small, and praise yourself.
2. Clarify your values, those things that are really important to you for each area of life (see above). For example:
Career
Freedom
Flexibility
Financial reward and prosperity
Challenge
Interesting
Development and growth
Achievement
Fun
Changing the world
Estimate these in order of importance, with the most important first (NB this is just an example!)
3. Write out all the things you would like to achieve for 2008 for each area of your life, write them in the present tense or past tense, as if they are happening or have already happened, and give thanks for them. Use the word gratitude and grateful a lot. Keep these somewhere special, a notebook by your bed or laminate them and stick them up on the wall and refer to them often. They can and will change, and that's OK too! As you grow and develop your preferences and desires will too. They are in no means set in stone and that's a good thing!
For example: "I am so happy and grateful that I completed the half marathon safely with praise and a real sense of personal achievement".
Wishing you all the best happiness over the year. Enjoy being Active in your own life!
Charlotte.
Labels: Goals for 2008
Friday, December 21, 2007
Right, or Wrong? An impossible feat!
Contact: www.charlottehinksman.com for NLP services in Wellington.
It is amazing sometimes the 'trends' I observe in my practice working one on one with folks. I can't explain it exactly, but my observation is sometimes that from week to week, I notice a pattern where it seems that one week is consistently full of clients presenting the same problem, or at least the same underlying issue; and then the next week a different 'trend' emerges. How or why, I have no idea!
One of the things that seems to be consistently presenting itself recently is an underlying strict boundary between "right" and "wrong". Notice the inverted commas - they are there for a reason - as in my view the line between right an wrong is a blurry one, not an absolute distinction. Of course, I am not a litigation lawyer, in which case I imagine it to be a very necessary distinction indeed! And for those of a particular religious constitution again, I can understand the distinction.
Some of these beliefs about "right" or "wrong" may come from our upbringing or background, and whilst I agree on a moral grounding that we all need to have a sense of our actions and their impact on ourselves and others, and should indeed, be concerned about "doing the right thing" by ourselves and others, I do see over and over again that this underlying concern about getting things "right" - in which I mean "perfect", and being afraid of getting things "wrong" - can cause many problems in our every day experience that we are not always consciously aware of.
For example, it can mean beating yourself up for making a "mistake" - again note the inverted commas. It could mean going over the events of the day in your head, and pausing over each event in which you have done something "wrong", and getting some pretty negative feelings about yourself as a result. This can also, in my clinical experience, affect sleep, and often does so by keeping one's mind preoccupied with berating oneself for perceived "mistakes" - inverted commas. It can also screw up your ability to make decisions effectively, even those of a trivial or insignificant nature, i.e. choosing what to eat for lunch, or how to decorate the Christmas tree, for fear of somehow getting it "wrong". "Wrong according to whom?" I ask? "According to me", they say. I wonder?
The important benefit of strict right / wrong categorisation is that there comes with it, a certain high standard. If we are always striving to do things "right" - then I guess it means we are putting a lot of energy into doing our utmost, doing our best, working hard to achieve something and get it done to an exceptionally high standard. Sometimes people are fearful about letting go of the strict distinction between right and wrong, for fear of losing these high standards, from which they gain so many benefits. I am also speaking from personal experience by the way, and after years and years of being incredibly hard on myself and striving for "perfection" in everything I did, I have recently (after a lot of hard work; and only after fully realising the full negative implications and affects of which) loosened it up a little, and let it go a bit.
The result? High standards in tact; projects and challenges are now coupled with enjoyment and fun, and a higher level of success, and significantly less fear and stress; the fear of wanting so much to be perfect and get it "right" that I stressed myself out to surprising levels and beat myself up for all the stuff that hadn't been, in my view, "perfect" - whilst, simultaneously - with an alarmingly proficient skill - ignoring all the good points (and there were many) and neglecting to praise myself accordingly. I remember snippets of what seems now to be the same conversation over and over again with various people where they would, in intense frustration, try to get me to see all the good bits, only to be met with my indignation that there weren't any. Is that being fair on myself and all my hard work? I think not. It is evidence to me of that old NLP saying "if you don't believe it, you ain't going to see it!"
My point here is we all need to give up the expectation of being "perfect" and trying to "get it right" all the time (presupposing of course, there is a "wrong" which, if our fears are correct, we will be severely berated for). There is no perfect. It doesn't exist. Accept it, please! You will save yourself heaps of time and energy. We can only make decisions based on the information and knowledge we have available at the time, and even being an NLP practitioner I still haven't worked out a way of getting the benefit of hindsight before it becomes hindsight! I have therefore given up the fear of getting it wrong, and now just concentrate on doing my best, and knowing that my best is my best and that that's more than enough.
My advice? Keep your high standards, work diligently and at a level you are satisfied with, do your best, and remember to have fun and joy at the same time. It's what us human beings are hard-wired for! Trust yourself to make decisions based on your gut feeling and what you know, praise yourself for all your efforts and hard work, and never beat yourself up; ever. If you do like to review a project or your performance after its completion (or along the way..whatever works best for you) and rightfully value the opportunity feedback gives you to develop and grow, use the following structure - from scientific research is it by far the best way for your brain to receive and learn from feedback:
The Feedback Sandwich
One thing I really liked about what I did was .................
Another thing that was really good about it was ........................
One thing to improve on for next time would be .............................
Overall it was [insert positive comment!]
Notice how much more enjoyment you get, and how much more you grow and how much more you actually achieve.
Charlotte.
(c) Charlotte Hinksman 2007.
It is amazing sometimes the 'trends' I observe in my practice working one on one with folks. I can't explain it exactly, but my observation is sometimes that from week to week, I notice a pattern where it seems that one week is consistently full of clients presenting the same problem, or at least the same underlying issue; and then the next week a different 'trend' emerges. How or why, I have no idea!
One of the things that seems to be consistently presenting itself recently is an underlying strict boundary between "right" and "wrong". Notice the inverted commas - they are there for a reason - as in my view the line between right an wrong is a blurry one, not an absolute distinction. Of course, I am not a litigation lawyer, in which case I imagine it to be a very necessary distinction indeed! And for those of a particular religious constitution again, I can understand the distinction.
Some of these beliefs about "right" or "wrong" may come from our upbringing or background, and whilst I agree on a moral grounding that we all need to have a sense of our actions and their impact on ourselves and others, and should indeed, be concerned about "doing the right thing" by ourselves and others, I do see over and over again that this underlying concern about getting things "right" - in which I mean "perfect", and being afraid of getting things "wrong" - can cause many problems in our every day experience that we are not always consciously aware of.
For example, it can mean beating yourself up for making a "mistake" - again note the inverted commas. It could mean going over the events of the day in your head, and pausing over each event in which you have done something "wrong", and getting some pretty negative feelings about yourself as a result. This can also, in my clinical experience, affect sleep, and often does so by keeping one's mind preoccupied with berating oneself for perceived "mistakes" - inverted commas. It can also screw up your ability to make decisions effectively, even those of a trivial or insignificant nature, i.e. choosing what to eat for lunch, or how to decorate the Christmas tree, for fear of somehow getting it "wrong". "Wrong according to whom?" I ask? "According to me", they say. I wonder?
The important benefit of strict right / wrong categorisation is that there comes with it, a certain high standard. If we are always striving to do things "right" - then I guess it means we are putting a lot of energy into doing our utmost, doing our best, working hard to achieve something and get it done to an exceptionally high standard. Sometimes people are fearful about letting go of the strict distinction between right and wrong, for fear of losing these high standards, from which they gain so many benefits. I am also speaking from personal experience by the way, and after years and years of being incredibly hard on myself and striving for "perfection" in everything I did, I have recently (after a lot of hard work; and only after fully realising the full negative implications and affects of which) loosened it up a little, and let it go a bit.
The result? High standards in tact; projects and challenges are now coupled with enjoyment and fun, and a higher level of success, and significantly less fear and stress; the fear of wanting so much to be perfect and get it "right" that I stressed myself out to surprising levels and beat myself up for all the stuff that hadn't been, in my view, "perfect" - whilst, simultaneously - with an alarmingly proficient skill - ignoring all the good points (and there were many) and neglecting to praise myself accordingly. I remember snippets of what seems now to be the same conversation over and over again with various people where they would, in intense frustration, try to get me to see all the good bits, only to be met with my indignation that there weren't any. Is that being fair on myself and all my hard work? I think not. It is evidence to me of that old NLP saying "if you don't believe it, you ain't going to see it!"
My point here is we all need to give up the expectation of being "perfect" and trying to "get it right" all the time (presupposing of course, there is a "wrong" which, if our fears are correct, we will be severely berated for). There is no perfect. It doesn't exist. Accept it, please! You will save yourself heaps of time and energy. We can only make decisions based on the information and knowledge we have available at the time, and even being an NLP practitioner I still haven't worked out a way of getting the benefit of hindsight before it becomes hindsight! I have therefore given up the fear of getting it wrong, and now just concentrate on doing my best, and knowing that my best is my best and that that's more than enough.
My advice? Keep your high standards, work diligently and at a level you are satisfied with, do your best, and remember to have fun and joy at the same time. It's what us human beings are hard-wired for! Trust yourself to make decisions based on your gut feeling and what you know, praise yourself for all your efforts and hard work, and never beat yourself up; ever. If you do like to review a project or your performance after its completion (or along the way..whatever works best for you) and rightfully value the opportunity feedback gives you to develop and grow, use the following structure - from scientific research is it by far the best way for your brain to receive and learn from feedback:
The Feedback Sandwich
One thing I really liked about what I did was .................
Another thing that was really good about it was ........................
One thing to improve on for next time would be .............................
Overall it was [insert positive comment!]
Notice how much more enjoyment you get, and how much more you grow and how much more you actually achieve.
Charlotte.
(c) Charlotte Hinksman 2007.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Contact
Monday, December 03, 2007
NLP for curing Heartbreak Part 2!
I had some lovely feedback on this one. The friend that had recommended this client come down and see me, caught up with their friend, my client, over the weekend. The first time since her session with me in Wellington. He sent a text saying "What have you done to xxx? She is like a Cheshire Cat!". What an amazing life changing experience she had and it was such a privilege and so much fun to help her. It is a truly an inspiration.
The Inherent Excellence of Human Beings
My clients never cease to amaze me with their results.
It is a well known NLP philosophy that we believe people have all the resources they need to succeed, that our role as a practitioner is guiding them to re-discover these inherent resources. It is something I remind myself of before every session. Even so, some of the results people get still amaze me and it comes from their own tenacity and determination to change themselves for the better.
I have had two lovely examples of this recently. I have a client who has been coming in for coaching - to be a better person in the workplace and at home too. Mainly what we have been doing is developing tools and techniques to manage internal thoughts and internal communication to produce good feelings instead of unwanted feelings. We have used some very simple NLP techniques for this, one of which is anchoring - a very simple trigger and association response set up for experiencing good feelings at will. He came in last week and reported that this had worked really well for him being able to turn on motivation when he wanted it. He also had gone away and in between sessions taught himself to stop smoking as well!
How? Well, he used the principles of this anchoring technique and applied it to smoking too. So that every time he was tempted with a cigarette he set up an internal response which was "I choose life" which, when triggered, completely wiped out any previous craving for tabacco. I told him I was going to steal his new technique and teach it to others - which I will! Amazing.
The second example of my clients surprising me with their internal resources and determination to do what it takes was another male client of mine who has been coming in to develop strategies to deal with a recent diagnosis of M.S. He wanted to be dealing with it better and do the things which were good for him instead of the resistance that was there, stopping him from doing that. We have only had 3 sessions together over about 3 weeks and things have completely changed for him. He has taken the stuff we have done together in the session and applied it straight away and in ways which I didn't expect. He is now communicating honestly, doing the things he wants to be doing and describes the result as "changing my approach to living". I know what an amazing gift he has given himself by doing that. Once again, astounding strength and tenacity. It blows me away.
It is a well known NLP philosophy that we believe people have all the resources they need to succeed, that our role as a practitioner is guiding them to re-discover these inherent resources. It is something I remind myself of before every session. Even so, some of the results people get still amaze me and it comes from their own tenacity and determination to change themselves for the better.
I have had two lovely examples of this recently. I have a client who has been coming in for coaching - to be a better person in the workplace and at home too. Mainly what we have been doing is developing tools and techniques to manage internal thoughts and internal communication to produce good feelings instead of unwanted feelings. We have used some very simple NLP techniques for this, one of which is anchoring - a very simple trigger and association response set up for experiencing good feelings at will. He came in last week and reported that this had worked really well for him being able to turn on motivation when he wanted it. He also had gone away and in between sessions taught himself to stop smoking as well!
How? Well, he used the principles of this anchoring technique and applied it to smoking too. So that every time he was tempted with a cigarette he set up an internal response which was "I choose life" which, when triggered, completely wiped out any previous craving for tabacco. I told him I was going to steal his new technique and teach it to others - which I will! Amazing.
The second example of my clients surprising me with their internal resources and determination to do what it takes was another male client of mine who has been coming in to develop strategies to deal with a recent diagnosis of M.S. He wanted to be dealing with it better and do the things which were good for him instead of the resistance that was there, stopping him from doing that. We have only had 3 sessions together over about 3 weeks and things have completely changed for him. He has taken the stuff we have done together in the session and applied it straight away and in ways which I didn't expect. He is now communicating honestly, doing the things he wants to be doing and describes the result as "changing my approach to living". I know what an amazing gift he has given himself by doing that. Once again, astounding strength and tenacity. It blows me away.
